andbamnan

Albums of the year

2009-12-21T12:38:00.012Z

This has been such an incredible year for music for me, I've made some really great discoveries, found a rekindled passion for old favourites, and enjoyed more live music in the past 12 months than I had, by this time last year, in my life time. Although I'm generally pretty scatty in my music discoveries, usually falling in love with albums that have been around for years, this year I've probably been more on the ball than ever... which calls for a rundown of my personal best albums of the year. Oh end of year lists, how I love you.

10. Animal Collective - "Merriweather Post Pavilion"

Strangely, even the most disappointing of all the Animal Collective albums can still manage to creep it's way into this, my highly prestigious list of all lists. I guess even if it didn't capture me for any where near as long as their previous attempts, it did still capture me for a percentage of the year. Which is why it is here now. It features a few graces that save it from the mundane, 'No More Runnin' being the best.

Animal Collective
No More Runnin'

09. Phoenix - "Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix"

True pop music of our time, this album became the anthem to my summer and it really sunk in. I listen now and am instantly filled with that warm, sunny, beginning of July feeling, I can respect any album that has the ability to hold memories and this really is a true testament of that. However, I couldn't say whether any track on this album could top one of my favourite songs of all time, the incredible 'Too Young'. Though 'Girlfriend' sure does try.

Phoenix
Girlfriend

08. The Antlers - "Hospice"

An album that is full to the brim with angst and emotion, almost to the point of it becoming a little contrived. Almost. Although it does make some pretty incredible noise, I'm just not sure how easily it connects, due to the pretty heavy subject matter that runs through all 10 tracks. You can't deny that The Antlers do tell their story very well though. 'Wake' brings the album to an end in spectacular fashion, and builds to a crashing crescendo that truly tugs at the heart strings.

The Antlers
Wake

07. Grizzly Bear - "Veckatimest"

They seem to have come a little more... out of the mist with this album, as opposed to their previous efforts. 'Two Weeks', although catchy, did scare me off a little as it seemed to be so much more down to earth, unlike the dreamy sounds that warmed me to them originally. Fortunately, this is the minority of the album, and it seems that even with a bigger profile they have kept to a very well-working sound. It did take a while for the album to grow on me, and one track in particular seemed to come out of no where at me a few months after my first listen:

Grizzly Bear
Foreground

06. Neon Indian - "Psychic Chasms"

An album that I discovered at completely the wrong time of year... it just does not sound the same on a cold, rainy October as I'm sure it would have sounded during the summer. I shouldn't let that detract from it's pure amazingness though, as there are tracks on this album that warm my soul so much that it becomes pretty emotional, which is a pretty strange thing to come from an album that was essentially made to be danced to. 'Mind, Drips' is a perfect example of this.

Neon Indian
Mind, Drips

05. Sin Fang Bous - "Clangour"

If Phoenix provided the music for my summer day, then Sin Fang Bous provided the music for my summer evening. Although released in February, I only discovered it in August, and in a way I'm really glad for that because it just seemed to fit that time so nicely- not just for the weather, but also for my own state of mind. I love the smooth melodies, and the 'setting sun' atmosphere, I really find it to be one of the most exhilarating albums of my list. The standout track for me is, quite easily, 'Clangour and Flutes'.

Sin Fang Bous
Clangour and Flutes

04. Noah and the Whale - "The First Days of Spring"

The second emotionally charged album on my list seems to do it much better. It's a much more personable album, one that's truly touching in a way that I'm not sure I've ever heard from an album before. The remaining 3 on the list perhaps bring a little more innovation, but there's no denying that this album really means something to me. I've managed to attach some incredible memories to it these past few months, which have even survived a lackluster live performance (but I'm not sure that that was their fault). If anything, this album will always stand for a much more positive 2009 than it once appeared to be.

Noah and the Whale
My Door Is Always Open

03. Mount Eerie - "Wind's Poem"

I have honestly never experienced an album quite as beautiful, and quite as majestic, and quite as powerful as 'Wind's Poem'. The imagery, and the poetry captures me so much, it really leaves something with me that I'm just not sure I could even put into words. I don't see it as number 1, because over half of the tracks are just too dark for me to really sink into, but it is the more accessible tracks that make this one of the most incredible albums I've heard in a long time. If not the most listenable, it is definitely the most moving of my list, as there are sounds on here that completely absorb me and leave me stranded. I can't deny that it maybe wouldn't be here (or at least this close to the top) if it wasn't for 'Stone's Ode' and the magnificent 'Ancient Questions', which is perhaps the best song I have heard this year. Perhaps the best song I have ever heard.

Mount Eerie
Ancient Questions

02. Here We Go Magic - "Here We Go Magic"

I managed to drown my autumn in this album, and too right too, there's a kind of modest atmosphere to this album that I think really connects with me, and somehow really comforts me. It was perfectly fitting for my orange days, in particular the swelling sounds of 'Everything's Big', which is strangely out of sync with the rest of the album... but captivated me for weeks, regardless. It's a song and album that I've managed to attach to one of my favourite places where l can go to feel secluded and at peace, which I think suits the album to a tee.

Here We Go Magic
Everything's Big

01. Capybara - "Try Brother"

An uplifting album that came at a time when I needed it the most, it really made such a difference to a low summer, and it really allowed for a much more positive 2009. In particular, it was the first song that sparked my love for them that really stands out from the album; 'The Wimp' hits all the right spots, and pushes all the right buttons, and has a chorus that, quite simply, hugs my soul. There is no album this year that has managed to penetrate my heart quite as well as Capybara's 'Try Brother' - and I really think music with the ability to do such a thing is exactly what I look for in each and every track that tickles at my ears.

Capybara
The Wimp

I enjoyed writing this a lot, to make a list like this is a reminder of just how much value I attach to music, and of just how much I love it. I think I'm really looking forward to seeing what 2010 has in store.

Lightbulbs

2009-11-04T13:14:00.004Z

They're far from technically correct... but I think they're lovely. The result of this post, and in all honesty, I'm just glad to get any kind of result at all. They were taken in a newly discovered favourite place in Nottingham, with bare brick walls and fairy lights... which is an irresistible combination, perfectly warm. Really just one of many discoveries that make for good autumn weekends.

Performing Parades

2009-10-12T08:29:00.005+01:00

Soon to be experiencing the music of these beautiful people in their silly hats live. May it vibrate my soul, please.

Naïve. Super.

2009-10-12T00:09:00.003+01:00

"I stand for a long while looking at the hammer-and-peg.
Maybe it's cowardly of me to take it.
But New York is not the most hammer-conducive place in the world.
People who live there probably have completely different ways of releasing tensions.
Why should I hammer and make a fool of myself in New York?
On the other hand, I don't want to pretend I'm any tougher than I am. That could easily cause harm.
I weigh the board in my hand.
It weighs next to nothing.
I don't have to use it. It'll be a support just to have it in the rucksack. To know it's there.
And should I need to hammer, I'll have it right there with me.
I could also go without the hammer-and-peg, and just buy one if things get tight. But that's risky.
I don't know how big Brio are in America. Maybe they don't have hammer-and-pegs there. In which case I risk bottling up plenty emotions.
I'd be fooling no one but myself by leaving it home.
The hammer-and-peg has to come.
If the city is as big as I think it is, I'll very likely need to let off steam.
Besides, it'll look good in the X-ray machine at the airport.
I grant the customs people the experience."

- Naïve. Super. by Erlend Loe

A book that helped a pretty dreadful train journey become a little less dreadful. I love this book.

A Beirette from Daphne's Handbag

2009-10-11T14:43:00.005+01:00

My new toy. I understand it's not such a rare find, or particularly magical, but no doubt I'll enjoy the results. It's been a few years since I've touched a manual camera so I'm sure it will take some getting used to - but I will update with beautiful imagery in time (is the plan).

I hate students

2009-10-10T11:33:00.010+01:00

Until I can reclaim JSLucas.com once again, which has recently vanished from the interwebs, I've updated my JSLucas Blog with a small portfolio (and here too, if you look closely).

The first day of my new house (a possibly haunted new house) proved to be a challenging one, to say the least. It came with a migraine, which I guess I'm learning these days is pretty typical of me- it seems to be a stress reflex. I guess I'm quickly realising just how much I'm not a very good student, and how much I can't really handle the drinking games, clubbing nights, and other such things. I hope to soon fit my own awkward headspace into this house of incredibly talkative young people.

The first day of my new course was a slightly better one. After a slightly unorganised start, it seems as though I could have a pretty productive year ahead of me, which excites me a lot. I wonder if it's maybe time I stop talking about making art and actually start doing it.

Here We Go Magic
Everything's Big

Even so

2009-09-23T00:37:00.002+01:00

Orange

2009-09-22T22:00:00.005+01:00

I love the increase in orange at this time of year, and the lighter air, it's all so good for the soul.

I've not had a smooth run at uni for the past 2 years, so maybe I was naive to believe that a change in campus would mean for a change in organisation. I'm a week away from my course (or less, or maybe more) and I've heard nothing from those who should be telling me something. I didn't even meet anyone representing my course at my induction last week, and it's all leaving me a bit confused.

I do feel as though these orange days are coming with the break I need, which is a lovely feeling. I've enjoyed a week with wonderful company, doing wonderful things, and proving that I can be happy... that it's possible, unlike I'd previously believed. It's a lovely feeling, like I can't really describe.

Some things:

+ I have a new phone, yessir.
- My website is (very much mysteriously) down...
+ 500 Days made my knees weak, and restored hope in films making me cry.
- Pet portraiture for cash. Just a negative, in general.
+ Incredible new sounds, to start an autumn how it should be started.

Sin Fang Bous
Clangour and Flutes

Bath walks

2009-08-31T11:27:00.006+01:00

Things may be clicking into place for my autumn, for my clean break. I visited Bath at the weekend to see my new house and my new bedroom and my new caves. My room is likely to be the 'lower ground' room, which is really just a nicer way of saying 'the basement'. It's not actually a bad thing, it's a nice big space and not overlooked at all, so I really don't think I mind. It leads outside to a cave that runs under the streets, which we're sure could be a great space once we clear it out. The true positive is really the location of the place, it seems as though literally everything I could need is within walking distance- nice walks too, Bath walks. So much gorgeous architecture, and green parks, I can really see myself living there for a long while.

A kind of scary thing, I've lost my art head. I know I'm not one for self-motivation, but I think this summer has been worse than ever. The combination of working 40 hours a week in a shirt and shiny shoes, and trying to detox my headspace through chick flicks and comfort eating has pretty much left me off balance. It's not even as though I've not had the opportunity, I have hard working friends who's own art heads are over flowing with amazing projects that I'm sure I could have been a part of, if I'd tried harder. When I get back to my usual routine of crawling into jeans and a crumpled shirt after a lazy morning, I hope my head will be clearer for more art-based activities.

Capybara
The Wimp

Nothing is nothing

2009-08-07T17:38:00.002+01:00

I'd rather not talk about things right now, but an incredible song to share. A perfect song.

Mount Eerie
Ancient Questions

Camilla is scared of heights

2009-08-03T00:12:00.003+01:00

They evaporate

2009-08-02T23:49:00.003+01:00

These past days have been draining, to say the least. Even through incredible support from friends and family, which I can honestly say I'm so unbelievably grateful for, I have still found this week so overwhelming, so emotionally draining. It's managed to break me... and I'm petrified of how it's taking its toll.

An amazing weekend, spending time with amazing people.

I look forward to my own head again, and to being able to be close to the ones I love again, friends or otherwise.

Francois & The Atlas Moutains
Night Lights

Low Low Low La La La

2009-07-23T22:45:00.004+01:00

I was told yesterday that I have a negative energy, which I guess kind of shocked me as much as it didn't. I know that I'm not always a smiley person by default, it just seems to be in my face (during an eye test last week I was told my eyes slope down, which I figure can't mean for a particularly happy face...) I think what surprised me, and disappointed me I guess, was how it was perceived by other people.

I can't help but realise how I am awful at making decisions, or at sticking to decisions. I change my mind so often (the word fickle is mentioned over and over recently) and I'm left feeling gutted countless times as a result. UWE is a major example, deciding not to apply when other people were, and deciding against uni after leaving school meant I ended up doing my degree in a college, surrounded by 17 year olds. I don't know that I'm talking about that now though. This whole identity crisis that happens after everything piles up is becoming old, and I'm right now just waiting until autumn when I can start over and become comfortable in my own head again.

I hate my blog when I do things like this, I get so overly personal that I will no doubt regret the decision tomorrow, and I will no doubt take this one down. For now though, it just makes me feel ten times better.

Low Low Low La La La Love Love Love
Blackbirds 3

Blowing bubbles

2009-07-22T00:12:00.004+01:00

I snapped into consciousness at my desk this afternoon, unaware that my face had dropped and I was blowing bubbles through the dribble falling from my bottom lip. Obviously finding it stimulating working in this office environment.

I'm enjoying it more than that suggests though, the Photoshop work just absorbs me to the point that I forget I'm in an open office, and forget that everyone can see my face as I stare blankly at my screen. My biggest achievement so far has been discovering an empty bathroom, it's too far from any active room to be used often so it's pretty deserted. Breaking my student sleeping habits have been exhausting, so it's ideal to get away from the often noisy office for 10 minutes kip.

I need to be writing about UWE, my unsuccessful application to UWE, but it just... seems a little pointless. I now need to re-evaluate what I'm going to do for the next 2 years, but it's a horrible feeling mulling over all options and finding no positive outcome. I guess I was wrong to rely on a 'yes', and maybe it's only now that I realise that, but I was given so much reason to feel positive about it at the time and I was swept into falling in love with the place.

Truthfully, I'm crushed. I found out and it changed everything for me, I'd not even considered the possibility of what might happen if I didn't get accepted, and now I feel as though I'm suddenly forced to settle for an option I've talked myself out of. I just hope it's not too late for me to fall back in love with Bath.

Shy ears

2009-07-20T01:29:00.006+01:00

It's such a strange thing when I meet a girl who I'm kind of infatuated by, I've been all for dick for as long as I know, it's just the way I'm built. There's a girl who lives on my road, who I've pretty much grown up with, who gives me that weird shy-ears thing I only ever experience with guys. I've not had the confidence to speak to this girl for years, and it's only now when I come back to the home shire that I bump into her all the time. The socially stunting shy-ears have left me unable to speak to her, and left an awkward air of silence whenever we happen to meet again at another bus stop. Today something different happened, we met as we waited for a bus to Oxford (with her equally-attractive boyfriend, which I find funny in itself, as I had a major crush on her last boyfriend while we were at school together) and we managed to, kind of, I guess, bond over the poor bus service. The conversation somehow lead to her dad giving me a lift, and me in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend, discussing Múm gigs and the best cafés of Nottingham (it turns out they both go to Nottingham uni, which just seems crazy considering I was there only last week) It's as though I experienced that thing, where people talk to other people in real life social situations, outside of a computer screen, and without knowing the full stats of the other person before starting the conversation. It was just a very nice experience being able to talk to like-minded people, almost like making friends, but I worry that by admitting so it cancels out the action.

Harry Potter happened tonight, the 4 nights previously when it could have happened have been quite crippling. I have been ridiculously excited about this film, I love it. I love the books, the films, the franchise- I am proud to say it, yes: I am glad to have grown up as a part of the Harry Potter generation. The film did not let me down, although it was pretty anticlimactic, I didn't seem to mind as the good parts were very much good parts. I sat with a lump in my throat more than once, welling up, trying to resist blubbering into my popcorn. Oh jeez, I'm a sap. I look forward to the next, equally as much as I don't... as I just don't want it all to end.

No Age
Things I Did When I Was Dead

Nottingham days

2009-07-18T16:20:00.006+01:00

Caster sugar

2009-07-15T20:49:00.007+01:00

My lazy summer days are rapidly disappearing, and I'm really not taking enough advantage of them. My stress-free holiday was less than stress-free, and I wasn't home long before another cross country journey to Nottingham. Not that I'm complaining, as that was a lovely thing, and a much enjoyable thing (it was nice to break away from my family for a short while, that's for sure) It was a break to enjoy good company and to enjoy good music, music from Múm, which made my knees weak. It really was a great night...

Pete Burns too! I saw Pete Burns, which was peculiar, but blog-worthy for sure. I think we shared a special moment as we stood side by side at the tills of All Saints, staring ahead in silence. Special moment.

I started work for Panasonic today, I'm a 'creative' working with Adobe Photoshop to resize and adjust certain images for web design and presentation purposes. The term 'creative' is used loosely, as it's only in comparison to the other suits of my office, but I'm fully aware of how much I need the job much more than they need me, so I'm very grateful to be there. It's not so much hard work, but is definitely much more draining than it seems, staring at a computer screen all day. My energy was low by 11, and by the end of the day I was crawling out the door with a thumping headache (my eyes are now perhaps becoming an issue, but I do at last have a test booked) so I have no idea how I will survive a full 2 months.

This song gave me chills the other night, turned me into the true gay that I am as I stood welling up:

Múm
Moon Pulls

The sugar truck was sweet!

2009-07-11T23:52:00.004+01:00

Of giant plastic ice cream cones

2009-07-09T17:42:00.002+01:00

I'm in Cornwall, with my family, for a holiday, which didn't seem like a weird thing until I actually started doing it. When they asked me if I wanted to go with them I'd been away for weeks and was really missing them, or the clean house and the full fridge, I never really know which. When I'm in the car and I'm packed and I'm listening to the Robbie Williams album, I remember that I actually don't do so well on these things. I know having awkward parents is a pretty universal thing, unless you're my sister who just seems to take it all in, but I don't know, they just don't get me.

Argh! In my head my thoughtfulness is a proper and real thing, in writing I just come off as a douche.

I guess it's just a draining thing being around people who are on that different level, even if they are your family. I seek their approval for certain things, like my degree or my art practice, so maybe when I don't get it I'm just left that little bit deflated, and I can question myself. For my overly analytical head, this is very much a deadly thing.

I have enjoyed this week, much more than it may seem from reading this. I'm just typing here, which is a something to do to help the low thoughts. I concentrate on the bad too much.

I'll post photos soon, which is a much more colourful thing.

On a river, on a boat (with a light-leaked camera)

2009-06-29T19:53:00.004+01:00

2009-06-27T18:23:00.002+01:00

I just feel as though I can't really not talk about this. I'm normally not one to comment on hyped news coverage, I like to quietly digest and ponder, rather than to voice an opinion on something that doesn't involve me and is really none of my concern. In this case though, I guess for certain reasons I just can't not talk about this: I'm fucking crushed about the death of Michael Jackson. Possibly a bit of an exaggeration, but if I read another 'R.I.P. Michael Jackson' I will find myself throwing up a little in my mouth, with no choice but to swallow it in the confusion.

It's to do with the nostalgia, and the fact that I'm increasingly finding myself getting emotional about things from my past, which I guess is a natural part of me living away from the home I grew up in for 17 years. Michael Jackson created the music from my childhood, which is a major part of my memory. I have attached this funny shaped, crazy kiddy-fiddling guy to rowdy christmas', holidays on rainy beaches, snow days and even dentist appointments where walkmens are recommended to drown out the noise of the drill (which, fyi, is complete bollocks). I was upset when I found out, I was mostly in complete and utter shock, but I was upset. His music played a massive part in the development of my head, and even though it's highly unlikely I'll ever stop listening to it, he will be missed.

Great sounds from a great icon of music, my favourite song from my favourite album:

Michael Jackson
In the Closet

Feeling as though it is worth it

2009-06-15T13:25:00.006+01:00

I'm home for a few days, home home, which seems so much more surreal now than I've noticed before. It's like a different world, with it's full fridges and big TVs and clean carpets. My train journey here was a crazy thing, and an entertaining thing, as a drunk guy managed to attach himself (or I guess, just held on) to one of the train doors at one of the platforms. The police were called so we couldn't move until the guy let go, which caused a whole load of passengers to hunt the carriages for the guy, hurling abuse at him. It was totally bizarre as one very tiny lady walked past and mentioned to the train manager "well I'm sure we can kick the fucker?". I guess it seemed a laughable response, but within 20 minutes so many people were shouting and swearing at the guy that it suddenly seemed acceptable, and one of the men sat behind me managed to knock him unconscious (and was offered free food from the buffet in return!) The train quickly moved on, the manager on the phone to the police explaining how he "somehow got knocked over" as the guy who punched him was being thanked by passengers, and the drunk guy was left sprawled on the floor, out cold. Anything but uneventful, my train journeys.

But yeah, a local music festival hosted by my village held a giant community picnic yesterday, so the plan was to enjoy some free live music and to hand my CV out to possible summer employees. I appreciate the access to random things as well, the photo above these words has been interesting to me for a while now, it's my sister and my cousin and a half of another cousin and was taken by one of the parents back before I can remember. I'm hoping to nab it while I can, and I will frame it and I will have it, as I pretty much can't stop looking at it.

The real reason for my typing isn't so much about punched drunk guys, it's more to do with some decisions to be made, pretty soon (perhaps yesterday?) as I'm finishing my 2 year Foundation Degree and going on to do my top up year to get my full BA. The plan has always been to do the third year at Bath Spa, but I've also always known I could consider more options, and the course at UWE has been looking increasingly more tempting. So I've made a list... to make the deciding easier on my head.

Bath Spa:

+ Accommodation has been sorted, it's in the city, and it's close to the campus and the centre.
+ Living with a friend from school, and all my other roommates are on art courses. They've all been there a few years, so I'm sure I could be well integrated?
+ Young roommates! Could be the 'student life' I guess I need (want?) to experience.
+ Beautiful city, I've loved it for years and I feel like I could be a part of it.
+ Avoiding the expense of the extra year, which would leave me with a further £7,000 debt.

- Expensive! Accommodation, and general living expenses. I'll be down £800 in the next few weeks already.
- I hate people my own age... damn, I hate admitting that, but it's pretty much the truth. I need shaking out of it.
- Living with 5 other people, sharing 2 bathrooms. By this point I'm pretty much acclimatised to having my own bathroom. Also, I'm pretty much happiest when alone with my head space, can I really share that?
- Can't offer 2 years, 9 months is not enough time to experiment, and is not enough to feel settled into the university. I don't feel a part of a university at the moment, and I definitely don't feel like I've hit my potential in terms of my artwork development. Is 9 months enough time to resolve that?

UWE:

+ Can offer 2 years, perfect for settling in and experimenting!
+ Wouldn't necessarily need to move from Weston, it's a cheap and easy commute and I'm very much in my happy place in my current setup. (See above, own bathroom!)
+ The company of friends I've made from my foundation degree who are going on to UWE.
+ Considered a better uni, and I wonder if the course will offer me more than Bath Spa could.

- Really unsure of whether I can spend another 2 more years in Weston, I love the beach and the company, but jeez, the town is depressing.
- Would be letting my Bath roommates down...
- Extra £7,000 for another year? Scary.
- Last minute changes to a plan that's been set for 2 years. Bath is the reason I came to Weston in the first place.

Really it's the extra year that is making it so hard to dismiss UWE. I can't bare the thought of finishing my degree without feeling as though it was worth it, and as though I've gained all I could gain. I'm painfully aware of how poor my workload has been this year, in that I've hardly made anything I feel proud of. I don't know, I just want to feel I've realised my potential, and I'm sure an extra year will help with that. I refuse to believe I'm two thirds through already.

Cold Cave
The Trees Grew Emotions and Died

Plain as daylight

2009-06-05T00:13:00.003+01:00

My days are currently mentally draining, I understand the end of the end of the term is hard, but this exhibition preparation is knackering. It seems to be bad timing that it's happening during the hot new summer - you really just have to look at me to tell I am not made for this weather, it's plain as daylight. Hot, sticky, sweat-running-down-my-back daylight.

A few bad things to say, a stream of them:

- I got a rejection email for a summer job, it happened the day after a hopeful phone call from the manager who offered me a job last year and seemed to be enthusiastic about finding me a position. Job hunting is a hard thing, especially so many miles away from where I intend to work.

- I've been told it's unlikely I'll be able to add an extra year to my degree, this happened a day after a hopeful conversation with my student services advisor who said it's been done before so it should be easy to maneuver. The false hope is a hard thing to deal with to be honest, it doesn't do much for my mental wellbeing.

- I got a 50%/50% on a module (not to be confused for 100%, as I did wonder for a split second). It's a weird thing, kind of disheartening, but I'm also very much aware of how writing a business plan is really not likely to be a significant strength of mine.

Things to take in my stride, right? Or something, I don't know. I'll post photos from the exhibition as soon as I have them.

Appendix Out
The Language in Things

My stomach hurts, and my head hurts

2009-06-03T23:35:00.010+01:00

I really am doing my best to keep on top of things right now. It's weird how during the high pressure I become so easily aware of how my default action is totally one to stay in bed. I'm a guy who lives by denial, which is a horrible thing to realise. I just don't seem capable of being able to handle multiple tasks at once, and not just in the way that the average man can't multi task, in a crippling kind of scary way that leaves me pretty much desperate for a breakdown. I'm sure each of my flaws come from a generally horrible habit of over thinking, I'm too much of a perfectionist to 'do' without first considering the outcome, and it seems recently that when I am focusing so much on a something, the only way to stop it is the breakdown. Is that completely ridiculous? I don't know. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm wrong all together and it's the complete opposite, that I'm so chronically lazy that I do the thinking to stop from doing the doing. ('Doing the do'... very much sounds like a 90s Europop dance track.)

I just discovered how to put single songs into my blog entries! This leaves me leaking with excitement wee, as I'm sure you can understand. To break the code in, here's the first song that I've heard this year that both crushes me and gives me chills, both in equal measure. Fucking incredible.

Little Big Adventure
Happiest Times

Breezy days

2009-05-26T17:34:00.004+01:00

I've been quite aware of how my mood has not been the best for journal updates really. I have this fear of drooling out long, emotional entries that I will re-read on a good day and cringe at my self pity. No doubt in 2 days I will do this anyway, but until then I need to take complete advantage of a good day (maybe a sunnier day).

It seems that a good cure for end-of-term stress and panic is to actually shuffle through the rubble of the year and make sense of what I have actually managed to achieve. I've made more than I thought I had, and as long as I can make sure that it survives windy Weston days (as I found that chasing my prints down a road in a blind panic does little for my work.. as well as my mental health) I am sure to rock my end of year show. Anything that can survive that kind of beating in one piece is sure to handle one exhibition - and the same goes for dignity. I guess I'm not a great worker under pressure, in some ways I do prefer it as being forced to work my butt off does good things for my workload, but my general mentality seems to break down to humming white noise. Kind of literally actually, more than a few times these past few days I've actually confused myself to the point of seeing white noise. Oh jeez, I have issues.

At least I now know just what I can exhibit, which is a huge step from this time last week when I actually considered stripping naked in my corner, rocking a steady beat and crying myself to sleep. Come off it, it's art.

We could break things. Hearts?

2009-05-25T01:01:00.004+01:00

For a while I've had a film in my Amazon wishlist that I've been meaning to check out, but seen as the trailer is pretty cringeworthy to say the least I've pretty much given it a miss. For some reason I found myself downloading it last night and holy cow, I'm pretty much kicking myself for sitting on it these past 3 years, it really is a stunning film. I don't really hold out much hope for gay interest films, there's really only a handful I could stand to watch, let alone enjoy, so to me it's a pretty exciting thing. I guess it's not so much the subject as it is the visuals, and it is really 50% visuals, 50% plot, if that, so seen as I'm pretty shallow when it comes to film as I do get way too involved in the cinematography it's perfect for me.

So I've done something that I haven't done for a long while, that I used to do with all my favourite films and other such lunch, I made a picspam (which also works well with my new 'expanding entries' hack):

With scratch

2009-05-23T01:07:00.003+01:00

The general upkeep of my various internet homes rarely proves easy, but why not challenge myself with another:

Click the dirty ram skull for my art-based work and thoughts and other such things.

Trembling hands

2009-05-17T13:19:00.001+01:00

I've attempted for too long to migrate my entries from LiveJournal, or Wordpress to this here blog, but I give up. It cannot be done. Instead, until such means can be achieved, consider this post #1 for my brand spanking new Blogger. Again.

I'm fickle in my journal choices, to say the least. For anyone interested, my two most used journals to this date have been Myalternative over at LiveJournal and andbamnan hosted by WordPress over at my website, JSLucas.com. Yeah. I guess for one reason or another they weren't working out, which is exactly the reason I turn to Blogger with bright-eyed, hopeful enthusiasm. Again.

And I will start from where I left off, as I believe that is how blogging (and the living of life) works in general.

My days are overwhelmed with that all-too-familiar May feeling of stress and deadline pressure and the general looming fear of opportunities ending. Because that's what the fear is, there is no logic in settling on a 'pass' for this degree. I am out for the best I can get, and the thought that this opportunity will go wasted (and by wasted I do mean anything lower than a 60) petrifies me. So instead, I shall continue to spend the maximum time possible improving on what I can, regardless of the increased stress levels.

In fact, this is the reason why I feel the need to add another year to my studies by backtracking a little, just because I don't believe that I have gained the most from the past 2 years. I'm sure that can't be completely blamed on my course structure, in fact I know it's not. I'm fully aware of just how much I really don't help myself, my ability to grind to a halt as I try to attempt to understand what I'm doing is all too common, and equally, all too frustrating. Changing my specialty 3 weeks before my deadline does not help at all - but - speaking of which, I will soon have some pretty exciting dry point prints to flaunt (and that in itself speaks volumes, I've never attempted or even considered print before this year, so how am I managing it now?)

I'm quite single now, or very single now. I guess it's only a black and white thing. I'm single now. It happened because my head was falling apart a little bit and considering the current circumstances, what with school work and other such things, I didn't fancy that. It felt right, and hurting aside, I feel ok about it.